Faking It

I'm not sure I am living up to the name of this blog, with either the kissing or the telling. It's more like little kissing and hardly any telling to speak of.

That has little to do with this next part.

A year ago, around this time, I had been a month into the Atkins diet and was loving the results. I had lost almost 30 lbs overall and 18 lbs in a month. I felt good, really good. I felt confident in school, my health, and my friendships. I was digging my way out of a depression that had swallowed me whole.

Two months later, my grandmother ... not just a grandmother to me. One of my primary guardians for years as a child ... and nothing against my parents. I have great parents. It's just that my grandmother was very hands-on and I lived with her several times throughout my childhood. Well, anyway, she had a stroke. Not from being old, not from her lifestyle, but from a disease she was born with. It lead her prematurely into nursing homes and it hurts. It's like she aged 20 years in a day. While I'm thankful we didn't lose her, it's just hard to see her lose almost all her freedom. And I know it's been even more difficult for her to have lost that freedom.

At first I dealt with this hurt by taking even better care of myself. I worked out with one of my favorite people, Liz. I went to church with her along with some of the best people I've ever met. They are my family and I belong to them, even if I haven't been in months now. But I was active back then. I even saw some of my other friends. I had a life. I lost a heck of a lot of weight too! I got down to 173.4 lbs. I was starting to get abs. It was pretty boss.

And then the depression came back. It started in September. Constant. Hurting. Constant crying for no reason. I stopped wanting to go out of the house. It only got worse.

I tried everything to get it to stop. Medication. Meh, that has kept me from completely going over the edge but I'm still not functioning. I tried some alcohol, but could barely drink a drop before feeling like a complete idiot. I tried binge eating but it just made me sick. And fat. I'm 194 lbs today. I even got up to 200 yesterday, but that was after eating everything in the world until breathing was too hard. I tried compulsive shopping (remember when I was obsessed with wedding stuff? It was just a shopping thing. Once I tried on stuff, I realized this wasn't filling the hole in my heart) and it's just not bringing back that lust for life.

I went back and forth with religious doubt too. Do I love Jesus? Am I an atheist? My faith was all screwed up and for those of you who know what you believe and are sure beyond sure of those beliefs ... I envy you. It sucks when you have Jesus in your heart but not in your life and when you've lost that faith that He's right there with you in your pain and your pleasure. It's hard to wake up one day and ask yourself, "What if I'm just bullshitting myself into believing this?"

I love people of all beliefs whether you are anti-theist or pro-theist ... as long as you're not harming people without remorse I support what you do within reason. But for me, I am a Christian and I need my faith and when it is hiding from me? I feel like a phony when I take communion and blessings and prayers and don't have my faith backing me up. I feel like I am doing something wrong.

Most of the time I am too ashamed of who I am to blog anymore. A few blogs ago I was bitching about Relay for Life (something that was the highlight of my year last year) ... and now I regret it. Not just because my friends read it, but because it was a temporary feeling that is no longer true. Now I want to do Relay for Life ... if I could just get off the damned couch and stop feeling sorry for myself.

I think the apex of my depression came on February 29th, when an ambulance rushed me to the ER with a migraine and a blood pressure of 195/125. I was dehydrated. I really just needed jugs of water and a dark room, but my job said I had to go to the emergency room so there I was. They gave me painkillers which caused relentless vomiting and I got a CT scan and a spinal tap which showed nothing and just made my mother worry and cry. I was laid up for days with weariness and panic afterwards. I had never felt so useless in my life.

More than a month later and things are better. I am doing better in school and feel OK physically. I have been afraid to speak about how I am feeling, but I think it is time to stop faking it and just be.

Supporting my Gil Chestertons-NSFW

Not sure if you're here for this, but there is this awesome blog (http://sophiajenner.wordpress.com) that has shown me the error of my ways.

As someone who has always been rather developed, I was pretty sure that DDD was the highest one could go in bra size unless you were some weird freak with a medical issue. (That wasn't offensive at all, no. Heh. Sorry.) That's a pretty ignorant stance, but even the department stores only seemed to have that size as the biggest in stock. The smallest band size with the biggest cup size that I could find anywhere was 40D, so I went with that and decided that it was the best I could do. Hey, if it's good enough for Gretchen, it's good enough for me, yes? As it was, my actual band size fluctuates between 36 and 38, and they have maybe 6 bras at DD or higher in that range and none of them were ever in stores ever.

So for months I looked like this in a bra:

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(40D - Fashion Bug » Balconette Bra (35124))

Sexy.

But also not sexy. Not only did I have size boob and quad boob, I had no support in the band. I walked around with shoulder pain, back pain, and saggy chest. Just not attractive, no matter how much boob was on display within the bra. I also looked fat, because my waist was covered up and the bra made me look like I had armpit fat.

I started trying on dresses at the mall and all of them were overtaken by my chest. Not in a sexy Pamela Anderson way. More like Frosty the Snowman in a dress effect. I looked pregnant most of the time because if it fit my chest it covered up my waist entirely. It was this that made me ask WWCHD (What Would Christina Hendricks Do?)

I mean, where do people with these proportions find underwear and dresses?

According to Sophia Jenner, Ms. Hendricks is not wearing the right bra. Also, she might not even know her size!

Wow!

So I asked myself, "Oh yeah, Sophia? Well what size are you if you're so perfect and where do you find your bras?"

Turns out she's 30GG (a 30J here in the States, gang).

I was shocked. Shocked! And why? Because Sophia knows how to work 'em. She knows how to find a bra that is pretty, keeps her supported, and keeps her in check. She doesn't look over the top. I was also shocked to find they even make bras that size.

It is because of this lady that I was finally able to go bra shopping and find something with full coverage for the first time ever:

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(38GG - Elomi » Hermione (8120))

And okay, it's kind of Cafeteria Lady-ish, but it's a start. It's comfortable. It covers me. It supports me. It lifts. I'm not spilling out everywhere. Also? I feel thinner. There are inches of tiny, 32 inch waist beneath my chest that haven't seen the light of day in some time and I like that.

Now that I finally, finally know my size and that there are a variety of bras out there, all it takes is for me to get over the sticker shock of paying beaucoup bucks or an eye for bargains. I can buy lacy ones, sheer ones, polka dot ones and all kinds of crazy amazing styles and brands. I can tell my Gil Chestertons YOU CAN BE PRETTY FINALLY! YOU CAN BE PRETTY LIKE YOU WANTED.

Thank you Sophia for helping me see the error of my ways!