jenmccarroll: (Default)
Something has cemented itself in my mind again that wasn't there for a long time.

I'm not sure why it's there or what started it.

Perhaps as I've lost a significant amount of weight and gained some confidence I feel I deserve good things. Perhaps I see my boyfriend's brother proposing to his girlfriend and buying them a house and am realizing how nice that is. Perhaps I see one of Greg's ex-loves is now engaged, that my ex-boyfriend has been married for three years, and all of my friends are married. Perhaps I find that Greg and I can share more and more dirty little secrets about ourselves to each other and still not leave. Perhaps I have a lot of faith in us and am no longer afraid to ask for what I want.

When Greg and I started dating in 2003, I was just coming off of a messy breakup. It was sad because I wasn't ready to let go of one dream and embrace a future with someone else. I was still coming down from the humiliation of blogging almost daily about how much I loved this person and what our future together might be like and how I could achieve that future. I vowed I would take things slow next time and make absolutely sure. Within a few week his parents were asking my intentions on marriage and I freaked out. This was supposed to be a summer fling, a rebound to get me back in the game. I refused to be serious. It was too risky.

Just over a year later I gave him the key to my apartment. Within four years we were living together. Still, I wasn't ready to consider a future together. I wanted an engagement ring, a wedding, and a house like everyone else, but even after several years together I just didn't see a future with this person being the person I was then.

At first, I thought it was him. So I asked him to do some work on himself. He did. Really, there wasn't that much that needed changing. Still, I was miserable. I realized that I was the person who needed to change in order to make myself happy. It all goes back to what our parents always tell us: you must love yourself in order to love others. I worked very hard on myself to change my loathing into loving. I went back to school. I began to workout more often. I tried to decorate our apartment. I went to therapy. I joined a church. I made some friends. As the confidence in myself grew so did the confidence and trust in my relationship with Greg. More and more I am becoming unafraid of committing and settling down. I want to shout it from the roof tops and share it with everyone I know.

I've become annoyingly wedding obsessed. Instead of looking up social policy and learning about social programs, I've been researching styles of engagement rings, wedding venues, and wedding dresses. Basically I want one of these while standing here and wearing this or something like it in blue. Let me tell you, internet, being wedding obsessed is boring. Greg and I don't even go to parties together, so I don't really know what has come over me.

It's not like we have the money for this. There are so many things we'd rather buy than dresses and jewelry. We want a cat, new car, new furniture, a house, my college education, a savings, and on and on. It does not seem responsible to go around dropping all this money on this little girl patriarchal fantasy of love when having a cat, new car, new furniture, a house, a college education, a savings, vacations ... all of these things would probably mean so much more.

For instance, this week we were going to get a cat, but getting my car repaired took priority. Both of those things clearly take priority over an engagement ring that would get caught on things and lose stones and basically be a big pain that I would take off every five minutes or leave somewhere or lose.

I don't know why my brain is fixating on the wedding thing or what my brain is trying to avoid by fixating on the wedding thing.

What have you been fixated on lately?


Hi!. I'm Jen, fiance to Greg, college student, and future crazy cat lady. I love makeovers, decorating, collecting random facts, trivia, playing show and tell, camp movies, shopping, libraries, random singing, random dancing, snuggling, and loafing. Oh, and watching Glee.

Greg has been my partner in crime for nine years. I've known him since high school; he is my soulmate and best friend. He's an actor, a playwright, a poet and works in data entry. We spend most of our time laughing hysterically. We're thinking about getting married sometime this decade and adopting our first cat sometime in the next few weeks.


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May 2012

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