jenmccarroll: (Default)
Shutterfly

I have become greatly involved in organizing my photos. I have finished my photobook and am ready to order it. I do kind of wish I could put one or two more photographs in it of Greg and I. We have two Polaroids of us posing with celebrities in New York a few years ago that would be pretty neat to add to my New York page.

Strengths Finder

I'm slowly, slowly recovering from being sick but sometimes I'm still really tired and other times really full of anxiety. It's weird that my body cannot tell the difference sometimes between the emotions I have. I'll get this fluttering of emotion and freak out because I don't know where its coming from. Is it panic or is it joy or am I just hungry or do I have gas? My body is like WTF I CANNOT EVEN WITH THIS.

Despite all of these issues, I've been getting decent grades in school. So there's that. Sometimes it only feels like my life is falling apart when really it's just neatly balanced the way I always wanted it and I'm constantly on the verge of tipping.

At church we've been doing in-depth analysis to find out who we are and what our strengths are. All of this self-analysis will eventually lead to deciding what our members should do within the church, but it is also helpful in other areas of life such as employment and relationships. I found out I'm a collector of information, obsessed with ideas, and energized by meeting new people. My talent is researching, basically. I could turn this into a strength and develop it, but the funny thing I learned last night was that talents can have negative associations as well. I may collect information, but I also have a tendency to hoard belongings. I may be awesome at finding problems and solving them, but could also lead to excessive analysis and anxiety if not directed effectively.

Anyway, Strengths Finder was very helpful for me and those at my church. I am pretty excited to develop what I already have instead of merely trying to fix my weaknesses.
jenmccarroll: (Default)
This month has been ... interesting to say the least. Between stomach bugs, high and low blood pressure woes, car trouble, and medication changes, I'm proud that I'm standing here today. (Or laying in bed posting. Whatever.)

While I was stuck in bed, unable to go to church, school, or work, I started drafting a photo book as a lark. This isn't the finished product, but I like what I see so far.

Click here to view this photo book larger

Photo books are the perfect gift for any occasion.

jenmccarroll: (Default)
Something has cemented itself in my mind again that wasn't there for a long time.

I'm not sure why it's there or what started it.

Perhaps as I've lost a significant amount of weight and gained some confidence I feel I deserve good things. Perhaps I see my boyfriend's brother proposing to his girlfriend and buying them a house and am realizing how nice that is. Perhaps I see one of Greg's ex-loves is now engaged, that my ex-boyfriend has been married for three years, and all of my friends are married. Perhaps I find that Greg and I can share more and more dirty little secrets about ourselves to each other and still not leave. Perhaps I have a lot of faith in us and am no longer afraid to ask for what I want.

When Greg and I started dating in 2003, I was just coming off of a messy breakup. It was sad because I wasn't ready to let go of one dream and embrace a future with someone else. I was still coming down from the humiliation of blogging almost daily about how much I loved this person and what our future together might be like and how I could achieve that future. I vowed I would take things slow next time and make absolutely sure. Within a few week his parents were asking my intentions on marriage and I freaked out. This was supposed to be a summer fling, a rebound to get me back in the game. I refused to be serious. It was too risky.

Just over a year later I gave him the key to my apartment. Within four years we were living together. Still, I wasn't ready to consider a future together. I wanted an engagement ring, a wedding, and a house like everyone else, but even after several years together I just didn't see a future with this person being the person I was then.

At first, I thought it was him. So I asked him to do some work on himself. He did. Really, there wasn't that much that needed changing. Still, I was miserable. I realized that I was the person who needed to change in order to make myself happy. It all goes back to what our parents always tell us: you must love yourself in order to love others. I worked very hard on myself to change my loathing into loving. I went back to school. I began to workout more often. I tried to decorate our apartment. I went to therapy. I joined a church. I made some friends. As the confidence in myself grew so did the confidence and trust in my relationship with Greg. More and more I am becoming unafraid of committing and settling down. I want to shout it from the roof tops and share it with everyone I know.

I've become annoyingly wedding obsessed. Instead of looking up social policy and learning about social programs, I've been researching styles of engagement rings, wedding venues, and wedding dresses. Basically I want one of these while standing here and wearing this or something like it in blue. Let me tell you, internet, being wedding obsessed is boring. Greg and I don't even go to parties together, so I don't really know what has come over me.

It's not like we have the money for this. There are so many things we'd rather buy than dresses and jewelry. We want a cat, new car, new furniture, a house, my college education, a savings, and on and on. It does not seem responsible to go around dropping all this money on this little girl patriarchal fantasy of love when having a cat, new car, new furniture, a house, a college education, a savings, vacations ... all of these things would probably mean so much more.

For instance, this week we were going to get a cat, but getting my car repaired took priority. Both of those things clearly take priority over an engagement ring that would get caught on things and lose stones and basically be a big pain that I would take off every five minutes or leave somewhere or lose.

I don't know why my brain is fixating on the wedding thing or what my brain is trying to avoid by fixating on the wedding thing.

What have you been fixated on lately?

About


Jen
Hi!. I'm Jen, fiance to Greg, college student, and future crazy cat lady. I love makeovers, decorating, collecting random facts, trivia, playing show and tell, camp movies, shopping, libraries, random singing, random dancing, snuggling, and loafing. Oh, and watching Glee.



Greg
Greg has been my partner in crime for nine years. I've known him since high school; he is my soulmate and best friend. He's an actor, a playwright, a poet and works in data entry. We spend most of our time laughing hysterically. We're thinking about getting married sometime this decade and adopting our first cat sometime in the next few weeks.

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jenmccarroll

May 2012

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