Faking It

Apr. 8th, 2012 03:05 pm
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[personal profile] jenmccarroll
I'm not sure I am living up to the name of this blog, with either the kissing or the telling. It's more like little kissing and hardly any telling to speak of.

That has little to do with this next part.

A year ago, around this time, I had been a month into the Atkins diet and was loving the results. I had lost almost 30 lbs overall and 18 lbs in a month. I felt good, really good. I felt confident in school, my health, and my friendships. I was digging my way out of a depression that had swallowed me whole.

Two months later, my grandmother ... not just a grandmother to me. One of my primary guardians for years as a child ... and nothing against my parents. I have great parents. It's just that my grandmother was very hands-on and I lived with her several times throughout my childhood. Well, anyway, she had a stroke. Not from being old, not from her lifestyle, but from a disease she was born with. It lead her prematurely into nursing homes and it hurts. It's like she aged 20 years in a day. While I'm thankful we didn't lose her, it's just hard to see her lose almost all her freedom. And I know it's been even more difficult for her to have lost that freedom.

At first I dealt with this hurt by taking even better care of myself. I worked out with one of my favorite people, Liz. I went to church with her along with some of the best people I've ever met. They are my family and I belong to them, even if I haven't been in months now. But I was active back then. I even saw some of my other friends. I had a life. I lost a heck of a lot of weight too! I got down to 173.4 lbs. I was starting to get abs. It was pretty boss.

And then the depression came back. It started in September. Constant. Hurting. Constant crying for no reason. I stopped wanting to go out of the house. It only got worse.

I tried everything to get it to stop. Medication. Meh, that has kept me from completely going over the edge but I'm still not functioning. I tried some alcohol, but could barely drink a drop before feeling like a complete idiot. I tried binge eating but it just made me sick. And fat. I'm 194 lbs today. I even got up to 200 yesterday, but that was after eating everything in the world until breathing was too hard. I tried compulsive shopping (remember when I was obsessed with wedding stuff? It was just a shopping thing. Once I tried on stuff, I realized this wasn't filling the hole in my heart) and it's just not bringing back that lust for life.

I went back and forth with religious doubt too. Do I love Jesus? Am I an atheist? My faith was all screwed up and for those of you who know what you believe and are sure beyond sure of those beliefs ... I envy you. It sucks when you have Jesus in your heart but not in your life and when you've lost that faith that He's right there with you in your pain and your pleasure. It's hard to wake up one day and ask yourself, "What if I'm just bullshitting myself into believing this?"

I love people of all beliefs whether you are anti-theist or pro-theist ... as long as you're not harming people without remorse I support what you do within reason. But for me, I am a Christian and I need my faith and when it is hiding from me? I feel like a phony when I take communion and blessings and prayers and don't have my faith backing me up. I feel like I am doing something wrong.

Most of the time I am too ashamed of who I am to blog anymore. A few blogs ago I was bitching about Relay for Life (something that was the highlight of my year last year) ... and now I regret it. Not just because my friends read it, but because it was a temporary feeling that is no longer true. Now I want to do Relay for Life ... if I could just get off the damned couch and stop feeling sorry for myself.

I think the apex of my depression came on February 29th, when an ambulance rushed me to the ER with a migraine and a blood pressure of 195/125. I was dehydrated. I really just needed jugs of water and a dark room, but my job said I had to go to the emergency room so there I was. They gave me painkillers which caused relentless vomiting and I got a CT scan and a spinal tap which showed nothing and just made my mother worry and cry. I was laid up for days with weariness and panic afterwards. I had never felt so useless in my life.

More than a month later and things are better. I am doing better in school and feel OK physically. I have been afraid to speak about how I am feeling, but I think it is time to stop faking it and just be.
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Hi!. I'm Jen, fiance to Greg, college student, and future crazy cat lady. I love makeovers, decorating, collecting random facts, trivia, playing show and tell, camp movies, shopping, libraries, random singing, random dancing, snuggling, and loafing. Oh, and watching Glee.

Greg has been my partner in crime for nine years. I've known him since high school; he is my soulmate and best friend. He's an actor, a playwright, a poet and works in data entry. We spend most of our time laughing hysterically. We're thinking about getting married sometime this decade and adopting our first cat sometime in the next few weeks.


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