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[personal profile] jenmccarroll
There are things that I like about me and there are things I don't like about me.

We're going to focus on something I don't like about me.

I don't like that I'm not very close to my dad.

It's not that we don't get along. We get along swimmingly. It's not that we have nothing in common. We're actually quite alike--too much alike. We're always waiting for the other one to call. We both think antiques are neat and we have creative streaks.

If I had to choose between my dad and my mom for the most stress-free day, I'd choose my dad. He's very laid back, very quiet, very relaxed and cool. Not aloof at all, but comfortable and sweet and sensitive and opinionated. And we'd spend the whole day together with very few words, mostly just laughter and either sharing a drink, exploring the woods, or him teaching me some neat crafting trick. I swear he never runs out of DIY projects, but he always seems to only work on one at a time which is impressive.

It's just I never call him. He calls me, but just a couple times a year or so. We both think the other one is too busy.

Mainly I feel like I neglect him more than he neglects me.

That leads me to the other thing I don't like about myself ... I have a fear and great dislike of telephones.

That's not even an exaggeration. I'll answer if it's my mother only because I know if I don't answer she'll assume I'm dead in a ditch somewhere. Otherwise, I don't answer. In fact, sometimes I let my phone go dead for a week and hide it under the couch.

It's not even that I ignore calls on purpose. It's usually that I miss calls and then I have to call the person back immediately and it really just depends how long ago was the call. If the call was more than a week ago, I don't call back. But if it was less than a minute ago I dial back right away.

I just have this weird post-traumatic thing with phones. I was shopping with my mother one day at age 16 and it was wonderful and perfect. We came home and I answered the phone and it was my grandmother. Something was wrong and she refused to tell me what and demanded to talk to my mother. My mother grabbed the phone, ran to the screened in porch, locked the door, and stayed out there with the phone and her husband for an hour.

During that hour I was certain someone important had died.

I was right.

However, the way my mom told me, at first I mistakenly thought she said my Dad had died.

I fainted, screaming. I mean I fell right on my ass and knees and lost my breath wailing.

It was his girlfriend, actually, but it took five minutes for that to sink in and well ... I hate phones.

It's odd because I don't have this problem as much at work.

Anyway I have two missed calls on my phone and feel this odd trepidation for no reason and don't want to call anyone back.

And that's what I hate about me, the end!

In other news, it snowed today:

Date: 2012-01-10 07:05 am (UTC)
dclarion: (Default)
From: [personal profile] dclarion
I know the feeling about phones. Well not phones, per se, but I know the feeling. With me, it's food.

I find it very difficult to eat alone. I've gone two days without a meal because I would have had to to prepare and consume it by myself. I know what did it. It was something my mother screamed at me, one day. I was around 14 or 15. It was the winter holiday season. I had made a gift to her of a fruitcake; she particularly liked those from Manor Texas. Some time later, during one of our many arguments, she screamed "Why don't you take that fruitcake you gave me and eat it yourself!" Into my mind flashed a scene. I saw myself alone in my room, sitting on the floor, fruitcake in hand, crying as I took bites from it. I cried nonstop for probably a day, perhaps two. I am crying now, as I remember. From that day forward, I could not bear to eat alone.

When I had money, I would sometimes go to a restaurant for a meal. Seeing the people at the other tables would help me a little, but it was still difficult. The greatest demonstration of intimacy that I can show someone is to prepare and serve a meal.

But, alone as I am, I cannot eat alone.


Hi!. I'm Jen, fiance to Greg, college student, and future crazy cat lady. I love makeovers, decorating, collecting random facts, trivia, playing show and tell, camp movies, shopping, libraries, random singing, random dancing, snuggling, and loafing. Oh, and watching Glee.

Greg has been my partner in crime for nine years. I've known him since high school; he is my soulmate and best friend. He's an actor, a playwright, a poet and works in data entry. We spend most of our time laughing hysterically. We're thinking about getting married sometime this decade and adopting our first cat sometime in the next few weeks.


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May 2012

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