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[personal profile] jenmccarroll
In my dream it was early summer and our bare legs were dangling off the edge of a moss cliff overlooking the family farm. The farm was yours and we were holding hands. We did not discuss your wife or my boyfriend other than to say they understood we missed each other too much not to get back in contact, even if just as friends. We wandered the land as if it had always belonged to us. The earth, the soil, the greenery a part of our DNA. We had goats, sheep, two cows, a pig, and chickens.

I woke up and wondered who that boy was in the dream, where was the wilderness, what that was. The boy had the face of someone I dated once. Our first date was on a family farm with horses and lots of green land and rain. There were no cliffs but plenty of places to sneak off hand in hand for long heart to hearts under the summer sky. I learned later he wasn't as into nature as I was. Rather than a farm boy he was a computer geek hipster punk.

During one of our last fights he actually scoffed at me, "What, you just want to walk outside all day?" in his snarkiest tone. We had been indoors together all day and were going to spend the night indoors with his friends and I was bored beyond belief. This boy who is more into science and technology rather than the smell of the air or the feeling of the sunbeams breaking through the clouds, is not someone I love now. Also, in real life he does not miss me, nor I him, because in real life we have nothing in common and nothing to talk about. Our last conversation was full of awkward pauses and deep disinterest. The boy in my dream is completely different than his real life counterpart. The boy in my dream is the boy I thought I was in a relationship with but wasn't. He was my fantasy and delusion. It's very sad, actually. I feel sorry for his real life counterpart who wasn't loved for who he actually was at all.

For a minute after awakening I longed for that reconnection, that fantasy of being with the person to whom I first truly gave my heart. In that dream I was so happy and content and young. Then I realized in real life I was also happy. In real life I do have a boy that loves animals and wants to walk outside all day. Maybe I didn't give my heart to him first, maybe we don't have a farm, but we have each other. I want to sit with him all day long talking, and often do. My mother considers this boy a part of the family and I am a part of his. We spent the last two days talking to his parents about buying a house in their neighborhood. They let me sleep in their house and eat their food like it was mine. I have a family instead of a fantasy. I have a life many dream about.

It is odd. Most of my dreams are about Greg and our life together. Why did I dream this then? There is a part of me that cannot let go of people. This part of me does not take no for an answer and clings to the past. This part of me also lives deeply in the past and deeply in denial. It has a very selective memory and taunts me with half truths and shiny objects. In my love life I have everything I've ever wanted and more, yet my dreams taunt me with someone from who I want nothing. So thoroughly swept away by expectation when the reality is worth so much more swoon-worthy.


Date: 2011-12-27 09:52 am (UTC)
dclarion: (Default)
From: [personal profile] dclarion
In my dream it was early summer...

So you have those dreams, too?

Date: 2011-12-27 02:40 pm (UTC)
concordia_mea: (close eyes and let go)
From: [personal profile] concordia_mea
dreams do that to a lot of people, maybe you had it so that you WOULD realize you do love the right boy now.


Hi!. I'm Jen, fiance to Greg, college student, and future crazy cat lady. I love makeovers, decorating, collecting random facts, trivia, playing show and tell, camp movies, shopping, libraries, random singing, random dancing, snuggling, and loafing. Oh, and watching Glee.

Greg has been my partner in crime for nine years. I've known him since high school; he is my soulmate and best friend. He's an actor, a playwright, a poet and works in data entry. We spend most of our time laughing hysterically. We're thinking about getting married sometime this decade and adopting our first cat sometime in the next few weeks.


jenmccarroll: (Default)

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