Dec. 26th, 2011

jenmccarroll: (Default)
So I fell into the rabbit hole of depression and have I climbed out? Not sure.

I have major things coming up and they all cost money.

1. Car--Greg needs a new car. He's thinking of getting one in March.
2. House--we're thinking of buying a house. We'll be talking to someone soon to see what we qualify for but we already have one in mind. I hate that I have my hopes up for something that might not come to pass.
3. Student loans--I need to take out a bigger loan for living expenses as I'm planning on doing an unpaid internship for three years. This might be something that doesn't come to pass if I buy a house. :(
4. Engagement ring--Yep, still obsessed with stupid wedding stuff like engagement rings. And while I've decided I'm just doing a backyard affair with maybe a dozen family members, I'm still stuck on the idea of this stupid pretty moissanite.
5. Gym membership--I found a new gym I quite like. It's $10.00 a week. Yikes!!!
6. Lasik--I really would like to stop wearing glasses and contacts and be able to actually see.

This when other people can't afford to eat. I'm kind of ashamed, to be quite honest. Yes, Greg needs a car, but do I really need the other things? Do we need a house when we have an apartment? Do I need to get a degree in Social Work when I could go for something I hate but is practical such as business? Is it shameful to want the engagement ring I want when I could get a perfectly nice ring for so much less? I could exercise for free outside. I have a perfectly nice pair of glasses that were plenty expensive.

Well, the house we'd be getting an unbelievable deal on and I have been living in an apartment since I was nineteen and I'm tired of it. And. Heh. As for the social work degree, while I do love the subject and am committed to staying in school, I'm torn. I'm not sure I can afford to do an unpaid internship 2-3 times a week. As for the engagement ring, I've wanted a ring like this forever. The lasik surgery? I've wanted since I was eleven.

These are things I've wanted for some time, but all of sudden I've run out of patience and want all of it at once. Obviously I'm out of my mind if I think I could afford to have all of it at once.

The lasik is going to have to wait. What else can wait? The engagement ring. As much as I've been wedding obsessed it's just jewelry. Greg and I have been together long enough without it and we'll continue to be together without it! (The five year old in me is having such a tantrum and wants her silly piece of jewelry.) The house and car are not going to wait ... so we're going to strapped for cash for a very long time. The gym membership might have to wait.

The degree is causing a state of panic. It's a bad feeling to be at crossroads when it comes to career decisions. I have a passion for the education, and I know that if I do the field work I will graduate with the required hours to get my license and a good job. I have a year before I even need to apply to field. It's not something I have to decide right now. In the meantime, who says I cannot double my major and take other classes until I can afford to do the unpaid internship?

Here have a holiday greeting:

jenmccarroll: (Default)
In my dream it was early summer and our bare legs were dangling off the edge of a moss cliff overlooking the family farm. The farm was yours and we were holding hands. We did not discuss your wife or my boyfriend other than to say they understood we missed each other too much not to get back in contact, even if just as friends. We wandered the land as if it had always belonged to us. The earth, the soil, the greenery a part of our DNA. We had goats, sheep, two cows, a pig, and chickens.

I woke up and wondered who that boy was in the dream, where was the wilderness, what that was. The boy had the face of someone I dated once. Our first date was on a family farm with horses and lots of green land and rain. There were no cliffs but plenty of places to sneak off hand in hand for long heart to hearts under the summer sky. I learned later he wasn't as into nature as I was. Rather than a farm boy he was a computer geek hipster punk.

During one of our last fights he actually scoffed at me, "What, you just want to walk outside all day?" in his snarkiest tone. We had been indoors together all day and were going to spend the night indoors with his friends and I was bored beyond belief. This boy who is more into science and technology rather than the smell of the air or the feeling of the sunbeams breaking through the clouds, is not someone I love now. Also, in real life he does not miss me, nor I him, because in real life we have nothing in common and nothing to talk about. Our last conversation was full of awkward pauses and deep disinterest. The boy in my dream is completely different than his real life counterpart. The boy in my dream is the boy I thought I was in a relationship with but wasn't. He was my fantasy and delusion. It's very sad, actually. I feel sorry for his real life counterpart who wasn't loved for who he actually was at all.

For a minute after awakening I longed for that reconnection, that fantasy of being with the person to whom I first truly gave my heart. In that dream I was so happy and content and young. Then I realized in real life I was also happy. In real life I do have a boy that loves animals and wants to walk outside all day. Maybe I didn't give my heart to him first, maybe we don't have a farm, but we have each other. I want to sit with him all day long talking, and often do. My mother considers this boy a part of the family and I am a part of his. We spent the last two days talking to his parents about buying a house in their neighborhood. They let me sleep in their house and eat their food like it was mine. I have a family instead of a fantasy. I have a life many dream about.

It is odd. Most of my dreams are about Greg and our life together. Why did I dream this then? There is a part of me that cannot let go of people. This part of me does not take no for an answer and clings to the past. This part of me also lives deeply in the past and deeply in denial. It has a very selective memory and taunts me with half truths and shiny objects. In my love life I have everything I've ever wanted and more, yet my dreams taunt me with someone from who I want nothing. So thoroughly swept away by expectation when the reality is worth so much more swoon-worthy.



Hi!. I'm Jen, fiance to Greg, college student, and future crazy cat lady. I love makeovers, decorating, collecting random facts, trivia, playing show and tell, camp movies, shopping, libraries, random singing, random dancing, snuggling, and loafing. Oh, and watching Glee.

Greg has been my partner in crime for nine years. I've known him since high school; he is my soulmate and best friend. He's an actor, a playwright, a poet and works in data entry. We spend most of our time laughing hysterically. We're thinking about getting married sometime this decade and adopting our first cat sometime in the next few weeks.


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